Don't Step On the Glass
by Wheeliefan101
Summary: The complete and total guide to living with SG Cybetronians! Soundwave told me to write this so you new recruits will stop dying on the first day. Don't worry, it's a cinch when you know the ropes! Stick with me and you'll have no problems (sort of...okay, not really).
1. Chapter 1

**Hey all you Shattered Glass fans! I've got something special for you! These rules! :D (TFs ain't mine nor do I intend this for offense...you should know this by now...) **

**RULE #1: AUTOBOT=BAD, DECDPTICON=GOOD**  
Get it through your head!  
I don't CARE if in your alternate universe the Autobots were good  
They're not in this world!  
So, alternate universe travellers, do NOT go to the Autobots  
Unless you WANT to be a bad guy  
Or you want to die  
Or you're crazy  
But lemme tell ya, those paintjobs are SO last year  
Join the awesome and stylish Decepticons!

**RULE #2: NO CALLING RODIMUS CAPTAIN HOOK**  
Even if he DOES have a SAW on his servo, it still fits  
Just HOW did he get a saw on his servo, you may ask?  
Blame Ratchet for that one  
Sometimes I wish I had HIM as a medic  
*pout* I want a saw on my hand...  
Uh, anyway  
I was running with the Cassetticons, who were escorting me to saftey  
*double pout* I wanna fight too...  
Err, back to the orginal subject  
It was just TOO tempting to yell out to Rodimus, "The Autobots'll kick your sorry bumper, CAPTAIN HOOK!"  
Said evil captain tried to step on me  
STEP  
ON ME!  
THE NERVE!

**RULE #3: NO CONSTANTLY POKING AN AUTOBOT**  
They're insane and twitchy enough as it is  
Me poking them and saying, "Poke!" did not help matters  
What?  
Beachcomber was practicaly BEGGING me to poke him!  
That's what he gets for capturing me...  
Uh, anywho...  
Beachcomber finally smacked me  
Into a wall  
Which hurt very bad  
And messed up my perm  
*sob*  
My poor, beautiful perm!

**RULE #4: WHEN INTERROGATING AUTOBOTS, NO DOING CREEPY THINGS**  
You will get banned from interrogating  
I speak from experience  
We were interrogating Goldbug  
He, of course, was not being very cooperative  
So in a creepy, accented voice, I declared, "Ve have vays of making jou talk!"  
And since I had just happened to also be eating a corn dog at the moment, I pointed my stick at him and in my same creepy, accented voice, yelled, "Say 'ello to my leetle friend!"  
Sir Soundwave then escorted me out  
I still think he would have talked if I could have used my corn dog stick on him  
When interrogating Ratchet, with the fake vampire teeth I had put on just for this occasion, I told him, "I vant to drink your energon!"  
Rumble chased me around, trying to get me out  
I paused just long enough to tell Ratchet, "I vill enjoy taking you apart, piece by piece, to see vat makes you tick, wa-ah-ah!"  
That was when Megatron banned me from interrogating  
He apparently thought the battlefield has taken its toll on me  
I now visit Bombshell every tuesday at 4 o' clock

**RULE #5: DON'T ENCOURAGE DARKWIND AND DREADWIND**  
In case you haven't met these two yet, they are the comedians of the Decepticons  
And YES, they're jokes can SOMETIMES be funny  
Dreadwind: We ARE funny? :)  
Me: :( Let me finish  
But most of the time, they aren't  
Dreadwind and Darkwind: *in unison* Hurtful!  
Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever  
Anyway, sometimes, new recruits hear one of their few GOOD jokes and they want to hear more  
But after seven hours of their attempts at humor, they come to one of us, begging to make them stop  
One day my patience will run out and I will leave you at the mercy of those two!

**RULE #6: NO ASKING MEGATRON TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH**  
Even though I'm friends with giant alien robots-and practically LIVING with them, I STILL have to go to school  
We are in the middle of a WAR, for crying out loud!  
Oh well  
I was having trouble with these hard math problems  
And since Megzy was so good at math, I decided to ask for help  
He got a little too excited and told me so many math facts, I'm surprised my head didn't explode

**RULE #7: IF YOU EVER SEE DEAD END, RUN**  
He likes to involve people in...INTERESTING activities  
He dragged me to a sing-along group  
VERY. SCARY.  
I'm lucky to have slipped away with my sanity  
Don't even get me STARTED about his arts and crafts

**RULE #8: NO GETTING TO DEMOLISHER TO BE YOUR PERSONAL NUTCRACKER**  
Demolisher LOVES busting up Autobots  
Kind of freaks me out how much he likes it  
Err, anyway  
I told him that my walnuts were Decepticon cameras  
He crushed their shells  
I was happy, he was happy  
We were all happy!  
The only one who WASN'T happy was Megatron  
Somehow, he didn't like his soldiers being used for entertainment purposes  
...spoilsport...

**RULE #9: STOP PICKING ON ENEMY**  
Yes, he's just a head-err, helm (blame Steeljaw)  
And yes, he does kind of get annoying with his "Enemy will be avenged!"  
But that does NOT give you an excuse to use his helm as a soccer ball  
RUMBLE  
FRENZY  
Rumble and Frenzy: Sasha  
Me: Shh!  
Pay no attention to them  
Anyway  
Sir Soundwave eventually made us stop (and I was winning! D:)  
Because it was "totally not cool, little dudes"  
Or so says the DJ

**RULE #10: DINOSAURS ARE NOT TO BE MADE AS PETS**  
Mainly, Goryu  
The D-cons had captured him  
And I may or may not have convinced Fistfight (the drone who was guarding his cell) to let him out  
I also might have rode him like a horse  
Goryu didn't take too kindly to that  
He threw me off  
And into Glit  
Who fell into a wall  
Sorry, Glit  
Quick question: Who does the medic go to when he's hurt?  
No, it's not a riddle, I seriously need to know  
*hands reader a scalpel* You'll have to do  
*gives reader sympathetic look* Good luck


	2. Chapter 2

**I bet you thought this story was dead, didn't you? Admit it, you thought it was dead** **Dead, dead, dead, dead, DEAD, DEAD, DEADER THAN THAT TOAD AT THE INTERSECTION!** **Ravage: ThR was a toad in teh #intersection? 0_0** **Wheeliefan101: No, but if there was, it would be dead** **FORWARD!**

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**RULE #11: WHEN YOU HAVE ANY INJURIES, GO TO THE CONSTRUCTICONS, NOT GLIT** No matter what anyone else may say Glit seems to always wake up on the wrong side of the bed Scratch that He falls off his bed and gets up on the wrong side of the FLOOR The Constructicons are MUCH nicer Somehow, Glit doesn't think split ends are an emergency Of course they are! Have you SEEN what it does to my complexion?! Absolutely horrible! **RULE #12: BATMAN IS NO MATCH FOR BATBOT** And I have Ravage as back up Ravage: Lulz, I is #back-up? Yay! Me: Uh, yeah First of all, Batbot is a REAL bat Unlike Batman, who just is a guy in a sort of bat like suit Ravage: Batbot is celebrity, FYI Me: And, he does NOT have an evil butler! Case closed, class dismissed **RULE #13: RAZORCLAW IS NOT BE ANNOYED WITH STUPID QUESTIONS** Yes, he will answer your questions No, you cannot ask stupid questions E.g.: Is the sun hot? How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Rampage nearly "accidently" stepped on me You slipped, my foot! *does "I'm watching you" gesture to Rampage* **RULE #14: DON'T SAY YOU'RE BORED AROUND SINNERTWIN** That guy has puppets PUPPETS Do you have any idea how creepy puppets are?! And annoying! A lot of both Nice attempt, Sinnertwin, but Mr. Fungles is not going to cure my boredom with his juggling skills (or lack of them) **RULE #15 ARGUING WITH DINOCONS IS FUTILE** I TRIED to tell Slugfest that the Autobots do NOT want to be his friends That they wanted to tear him apart and eat his little parts for breakfast But would he listen? Noooooo He kept insisting everyone LOVED him Crazy dinocons **RULE #16 STAY AWAY FROM TRANSFORMERS NEWS REPORTERS** THEY ARE Ca-reepy! Optimus accidently (or not so accidently) ran over Frenzy I, of course, rushed to his side He managed to choke out, "I...can't feel my legs!" "Hang in there buddy, WE NEED A MEDIC! Okay, where does it hurt?" "My legs." "Oh yeah. Did Prime run over them?" "No, you're sitting on them." "Oh, sorry, my bad!" After I got off Frenzy, the Constructicons came Unfortunately, the news reporters came first They loved Frenzy's agony and even had the nerve to ask Prime to run over him AGAIN! Like I said before, creepy **RULE #17 DO NOT TAUNT LAZY AUTOBOTS** Crosshairs, for example He is very lazy in battle and, quite frankly, I'm surprised he's survived this long The Cassetticons hid me behind a rock again But, unfortunately, I had a wonderful idea Which most people would call trouble Pessimists... Anywho, I saw Crosshairs, being lazy as usual So I threw some little rocks and sticks at him, calling him names and daring him to catch me ... I didn't actually EXPECT him to really chase me But I could have handled it if he just chased me, right? Well, HE may be lazy, but his gun (Pinpointer) sure isn't NOW I know how he's survived... I feel stupid... **RULE #18 YOU CANNOT JET JUDO UNLESS YOU ARE ACTUALLY A JET** Jet Judo: /jeh•tuh joo•doh/ the process of fighting an enemy in air (most commonly as a jet) So trying it by yourself is not Jet Judo And no, jumping off a jet doesn't count either It only results in broken body parts I speak from experience ): **RULE #19 FIJIT FRIENDS ARE HEREBY BANNED** Dang it, and I loved my cute wittle Serafina! D= But Buzzsaw didn't He was scared of it So he pecked at it Then ripped out it's processor And set fire to it Then danced in the ashes RIP Serafina T.T **RULE #20 IF SOMEONE FROM AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION COMES, DON'T FREAK OUT** That's fairly normal here But where you guys come from, apparently not You see, this newbie-name's James-accidently landed here So we Cons took him and all that yadda yadda yadda But then, this alternate dimension Ravage showed up Had a Russian accent James freaked And died of a heart attack (may he rest in peace v_v)

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**So? Whatcha think? Good? Bad? Have ideas? Want to pelt me with marshmellows?** **Say it all in the REEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEWWWWWWSSSSSSS!~**


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